From my perspective, this seems to be a HUGE issue that we all seem to be dealing with at this time. Knowing deep down in our heart of hearts what needs to happen, and yet we continually sway towards other people’s version of our realities.
This causes immense problems in our reality, as we end up spending and wasting tremendous amounts of time, locked into someone else’s version of our reality, without reallly checking in or allowing ourselves to have our fullest expression and allowing ourselves to actually trust that what we are receiving intuitively is actually truth, and we should heed that guidance in that moment.
So, for example, when you know that something does not feel right, and yet, you decide, against your better judgment, to go ahead anyway and do something that you know will eventually cause problems, you are putting yourself in harm’s way, whether you want to admit it or not. Sometimes psychic control is involved, and we are too stubborn to admit to ourselves that we are being tampered with on that level, that it is too unbelievable that someone would actually go to such lengths to do something of this nature.
Here’s the thing, it is usually unconscious on the other person’s part. They are either hosting or being controlled by a malevolent force, or pattern of behavior deeply ingrained in them through mind control mechanisms administered during childhood, or passed down through the DNA, or past incarnations, and they still havent learned the lesson associated with that pattern of behavior. This can wreak havoc in our world, if we refuse to believe that harm is possible to us, and that no one in their right mind would do such a thing. But they do, obviously, or we would not be in the state of unconscious denial that we have lived in for thousands of years on this planet.
So what to do about this? What is the solution to this dilemma that we face as human beings living together on this planet? How do we listen deeply to ourselves, while taking others into consideration? How do we show appreciation, when all we want to do is punch someone in the face? How do we keep ourselves from reacting to any given situation, and rather responding with grace and kindness, and love? Its tough sometimes. Let me tell ya.
The Solution is different for everyone, and how that plays itself out in any given situation. So, when considering how to actually feel into a solution for a situation, it is important to recognize the patterns of behavior that are going on in any given situation first, before making decisions as to what the best response would be. It is important to understand the dynamics of any situation, by first recognizing where you might be feeling out of balance, or triggered, and really asking yourself what you can do in that moment, to bring yourself back into balance. Are you actually being heard? Are you feeling your own trigger, or someone else’s? Are you feeling disrespected, are your needs being taken into consideration? Are you trying to control the outcome of the situation? Are they?
These are important questions to ask during situations like these. And it is also important to take a step back and disengage, even temporarily, so that the conflict does not continue. If you continue to feed the beast, it will continue to grow and become a huge monster. We all know this, we have all experienced it, but that doesnt always keep us from necessarily reacting when we feel triggered, or attacked. It is extremely difficult to keep a cool head when someone is in your face, either screaming or projecting that you are the one with the problem. We have all been there, and we have all acted this way at one point or another, it is a natural dysfunction of human behavior in our society today, unfortunately. Even though the tools have been made available to us, we somehow do not seem to pay attention, really pay attention to what needs to change, and continue to allow ourselves to be distracted to keep up with the status quo, even though we know deep in our hearts there is actually another way.
As we move in the direction of deep inner knowing, we must remind ourselves that we too have a responsibility (ability to respond) to be forthright in our responses and take full responsibility for our actions and reactions in any given situation, and to also know when we are no longer willing to endure what is not healthy for us, when it has made itself clear that it is an unhealthy dynamic in our reality. This can be very difficult when you love someone, but sometimes it is actually exactly what is needed for that other person to come into right relations with themselves and others.
Here are a few examples of how that looks in terms of interpersonal dynamics:
Main Underlying Pattern – VICTIM / VILLIAN / RESCUER – This is very common in American families, not uncommon whatsoever, and can wreak havoc upon our personal relations once we are “out of the nest”. This behavior dynamic shows up in many different ways, and can damage perfectly loving friendships, love relationships and interactions with acquaintances and business colleagues. How it shows up is as follows:
1. When a boundary has been crossed, and someone states or has stated their personal boundary or doesn’t actually know how to, but is triggered, and is not heard, either energetically or verbally, then that person begins to feel unsafe in the presence of the one who has crossed that boundary. If the person who crossed that boundary is already feeling unsafe in their own atmosphere, this can create a behavior pattern of unknowingly stepping over other people’s natural boundaries to get their needs met, out of a survival instinct, as if they are not going to have their needs met. This stems from a lack of Trust in Spirit, trust that all our needs will be met, and this distrust can wreak havoc in our daily lives. This lack of Trust in Spirit (also known as a Personal Sense of Separation from God) also reveals itself as Lack and Limitation Consciousness or “Survival Mode”. A hastiness, rushed, forced or pushed feeling, a pressure ensues that brings anxiety to any environment.
2. Once that boundary has already been crossed, and the boundary has been stated, and the person who crossed that boundary somehow does not receive or acknowledge that boundary and continues to cross that boundary and additional boundaries, then the person whose boundaries have been crossed, begins to become deeply triggered and cannot contain a sense of peace and feels unsafe in their own environment.
3. As a result of feeling unsafe, each person then has a difficult time expressing their needs, for fear of beginning a conflict, which is something they do not have any desire to do, so they either back down, do not say anything or attempt to reiterate or restate that boundary in a loving way. If the person who has crossed those boundaries does not allow themselves to listen and hear the other person, or has some kind of unconscious block to receiving, but rather takes it as a personal attack, because they are already feeling unsafe, then they are unable to actually hear what is being said, and no matter what the other person is saying, it doesnt make a difference, because a wall has been put up, and they are now in a mode of defense, even if the other person is coming from a loving place.
4. As the boundaries have continued to be crossed however, it forces each person to make a decision as to their own personal safety and how they choose to react and respond to the person crossing those boundaries. Most of the time, if they have not been given the proper tools, and there are not a lot of tools to work with, they will ignore the fact that they feel unsafe around this person, because they are afraid to speak their truth to the one who has violated their boundaries.
5. Often these behaviors, on both sides, stem from being abused in childhood, and not having learned how to state clear boundaries that are received and respected. This creates the VICTIM / VILLIAN / RESCUER cycle that we see taking place.
Specific examples of how this has shown up in any given environment is as follows and can look something like this:
Use of others’. personal items without proper permission, or permission being granted due to feeling like they cannot say no to that person,
Assuming that because something is in a common area, that it is in fact a community item and can be used freely, which is not necessarily the case,
Unclear understanding of boundaries stated, once the boundaries have been crossed,
Not understanding natural common sense boundaries that everyone naturally has as a human being,
Continuous need to meddle in other people’s personal realities, without being addressed or asked,
Attempting to fix situations, and offer unsolicited advice when not requested or asked, to the point of placing importance upon that advice, as if the other person has no idea how to take care of themselves, and then resulting in the other person feeling that their intelligence has been insulted, under the guise of someone saying something to the effect of “I am just trying to help you!”,
Pushing a personal agenda related to someone else’s reality or a community matter, when not asked for, or received and then interpreted as manipulation or manipulative, forcing someone to state a boundary,
Swirling around like a tornado, and not taking other’s needs or mutual agreements into consideration ( this is an addictive trait of behavior showing up),
Taking up more space than has been offered equally to each individual, either energetically or physically,
Complaining that they do not have enough space or cannot do what they need to do within the entire space that is present, asking for more than is available, as if the space is not enough. It has nothing to do with the space, but rather the mental space needed for the imbalance that is present in the individual,
Not allowing others to have opinions but rather their word being the final authority, as if they know what is best for the situation in question,
Becoming defensive and judgmental and projecting onto the other person when being offered a boundary to consider .
LACK OF PERSONAL BOUNDARIES – Caretaking and Co-Dependency
These behaviors all stem from a lack of personally established boundaries, and not understanding that healthy boundaries actually exist for others. This level of sensitivity stems from not establishing personal boundaries in childhood, and also having personal boundaries crossed as a child, and having no personal recourse, as a result of abusive authority figures. This then establishes a construct of deep sensitivity to the environment and PTSD becomes prevalent. As a result, not having personal boundaries can affect everyone else in someone’s personal environment, and can wreak havoc on someone’s life.
Thankfully, there are actually solutions that have helped many many people along the way, and are available to start this particular healing process into personal sovereignty. There are support groups available for healing personal boundaries, and also several books that can be of extreme help in learning EXTREME SELF CARE!
My offering is that I see these beautiful Bright Shiny Stars that we all are and I see the Hurt Child who needs to be the center of attention and also needs a lot of personal time to really discover oneself, and find the truth within our own personal matrix. From my perspective, it seems that we, or most of us anyway, have never given ourselves this opportunity, and now it is coming up for review in our personal reality. Now that we have let go of factors that would keep us from seeing ourselves as we are truly are, it is coming up to be revealed, healed and integrated.
There are a few books and websites that I can offer that may be of deep service in this regard, and have helped me tremendously and have given me deep wisdom on this subject. These are all things that I have personally been involved with, and feel confident can help, if the attention and mindfulness is taken with each subject.
The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
A few listings on books about Crazy Makers – http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005MJ8OV6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1
A few listings for the Inner Child Healing Work – https://www.google.com/search?q=inner+child+workbook&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8
Melanie Tonia Evans – Narcissistic Abuse Recovery – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
Al Anon – http://www.al-anon.org
Codependent No More – Melody Beattie
Womb Wisdom – Anaiya Sophia
Hope these tools are of significant service and that these tools can be utilized to come into our fullest and most magnificent expression! Aho!
Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu – May All Beings Be Free From Suffering